


What we lose

by Lolax74



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Chronic Pain, Disability, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Physical Disability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3962929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lolax74/pseuds/Lolax74
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just a moment. A second, really. One moment he was holding the crystal, then the axe cut his hand. Just like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Post season 2.  
> English is not my first language so I am sorry for every bad writing or mistakes.

It was just a moment. A second, really. One moment he was holding the crystal, then the axe cut his hand. Just like this.  
The pain was unbearable but he didn’t pass out. He just look at his hand screaming and he could not understand what Fitz and Mack are saying.  
Fitz just took him by his shoulders and puts him on the ground; Mack took his belt and tied it tight on Coulson’s arm to stop the blood.

He was slowly losing consciousness of his surroundings, the shock too strong to stay vigilant and yet he could not pass out.

  
“Coulson? Coulson, can you hear me?” Fitz was shouting at him to keep him awake “Stay awake, we called for medical help, you just stay awake, please”

  
He felt his entire body heavy as a rock. With what little lucidity he still had he knew that he would not die for the loss of the hand but the major risk was the loss of blood and infections if he had not received appropriate care immediately. How could it be all gone wrong?

  
With his eyes half closed he could feel the emergency team next to him. They put him on a stretcher and they headed for the infirmary of the boat.

Skye was crossing the corridor still upset by her mother’s death. She had left Cal with her body on the deck and she wandered in search of his team, in search of Coulson.  
She had managed to stop the apocalypse that his mother had started but now she had lost what she had been searching for all her life. Within a few weeks she had gone from orphan to have a mother and a father. And now she had lost everything again. How could it be all gone wrong?

Through one of the corridors she noticed a medical team running toward the infirmary and she recognized Fitz beside the stretcher. A shiver passed behind her back. She started to run.  
When she was next to the stretcher she almost fainted: Coulson was covered in blood, his left hand covered in gauze soaked with blood, he was wearing an oxygen mask, his eyes were half closed. Fitz was talking to him to keep him awake but he seemed not to recognize anything or anyone.

At the infirmary Fitz and Skye helped the medical team to move Coulson on a surgical table. They start to put some IV on his right arm and they start to remove the gauze. Skye realized with horror that his entire left hand was lost. He was almost unconscious but when the doctors began to touch his left arm he began to struggle. Skye was immediately next to him, hands on his face, trying to keep him focused on her.

“Coulson, it’s me, Skye. Don’t worry. This doctors are trying to help you. Everything is going to be alright” but she doesn’t believe herself.

  
Coulson could feel more than hear Skye. He was hurting everywhere, he was not sure about what was happening and if his team was safe. He tried to fight but eventually he passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

The entire team was gathered in the infirmary. Fitz was still in shock and he keep telling again and again what happened to Coulson, May was there but she wasn’t talking, Skye was just looking to the glass door that separated them from Coulson. Mack was outside the infirmary, feeling guilty but still knowing that he had saved his boss’s life.

Doctors were still around his bed. They had stop the bleeding and they have stabilized him but the situation was still serious.

“We need to take him to the playground. As soon as we can move him. I want Simmons to have a look on him….” said May.

Fitz just nod while Skye almost seemed not to have heard but she start talking.

“I can’t believe it. This is all my fault. He could die…..”

“Stop!” said May “He is strong, he is the strongest man I have ever known. He will be fine….in time. We just need to keep focused”

But Skye could not look away from his bed, looking at Coulson so pale and still.

********

After 24 hours Coulson was still kept unconscious with some strong drugs but the doctors said that he could be moved for a short trip so May organized a jet full of medical equipment and she left the boat with Skye and Fitz. Mack decided to stay on the boat and Cal was kept there while waiting to decide what to do with him.

They arrived at the Playground where Simmons was waiting. She was glad that Fitz was fine but she could not help to feel very upset about Coulson. He was settled in the bigger medical room at the base and Simmons immediately started to treat him.

May had to be in Coulson’s office being the second in command and having to run the base and what was left, once again, of SHIELD. Skye just stayed next to Coulson while Fitz was telling to Simmons everything. In the next 24 hours Simmons was just trying everything to determine the damage and Skye was always in the room, refusing to left Coulson’s side. In the end, Simmons decided to reduce the drugs and try to wake him up.

********

The return to consciousness was painful. Coulson was trying to keep his eyes open but also the dim light in his room was hurting him. His head was heavy and he could hear some voices around him. He tried to understand what they were saying…..he recognized Skye’s voice and he was instantly relieved that she was alive.

He didn’t remember what happened. He could feel just the pain.

“Coulson, can you hear me? Open your eyes, please…..” Skye was trying to wake him up.

“Skye……” his voice was hoarse and Skye give him some waters “thanks….” He just smiled to her.

“How do you feel?” asked Skye.

“Like I was dying…again….What happened?”

“You don’t remember anything?”

“No, it’s fuzzy….I was in a room with Fitz and Mack….” Coulson stopped talking and Skye realized that he has just remember about his hand “Oh God….my hand….” He tried to move his left arm but it was locked at the bed with a sling to prevent any damage. Simmons was at his side in a second.

“Try not to move, you are still recovering, your arm is still weak….”

He was just looking at his side, almost in disbelief. And he started to crying.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two hours since Coulson was awake and he was still silent in his bed. Simmons had given him some mild sedative to keep him calm. Skye was still at his side but she was waiting to him to talk, not wanting to force him.

“You should rest” said Coulson in the end.  
“Don’t worry, I am not tired” said Skye.  
“Liar” He just looked at her and Skye could almost not bear the pain in his eyes.  
“Coulson I know it’s difficult now but you just need to rest and we will find a solution. You know that Fitz is already looking about something robotic…prosthetic…I am not sure but is already working for you….”

Maybe were the drugs, maybe it was Skye’s smile or just the thought of Fitz working on his new project after Coulson believed for a moment that Fitz was killed by Gordon on the boat. He was feeling slightly better after the first moment of shock. A well-deserved shock.  
Skye was smiling at him and she kept his right hand in her as if she was afraid of losing him if she let him go.

“What is just happened was my fault. If I had not believed in my mother I…..”  
“Stop! Please, just stop!” Coulson was looking at her so intensely that she was scared for a second “You cannot really think that is your fault. You are better than that. You did not do anything wrong. She was your mother. And now she is dead. You….we need to think about our new life. I need to think about my rehabilitation and you need to decide how to handle your father. We will not stop because what has happened. I will not stop but I need you on my side….if you want to stay….”  
Skye was almost in tears “Ok, I want to stay”  
“Ok” said Coulson.

Skye just leaned forward to hug him but he moan for the pain “Are you alright? Do you want to call Simmons?  
“No, I am fine, just give me a minute….”  
Skye just waited there to him to be better. After few minutes May entered the room.

“Happy to see you awake” she walked to the bed and she stroked his cheek “how do you feel? Really?”  
“I’ve been better, but I was even worse and dead so….”  
“See” said May to Skye “this drugs are making him more funny than usual…”  
“I am funny!” said Coulson and he was happy of May’s attempt to light the mood.

But he was tired. And still in pain. I tried to hide his discomfort but the wound was too fresh. He closed his eyes groaning.

“Phil you need to rest. Skye please, call Simmons, he needs some painkillers” Skye was out of the door in a second looking for Simmons.  
“Phil you just have to hang on. I have already call Andrew. He will be there in a couple of days to talk with you. And Fitz is already studying a solution for a new hand. You just need to be strong…..for us”  
“Thanks May, I……” but he could not finish his phrase because a painful sting just shoot through his body. Simmons was back in the room and immediately took a syringe to give him a painkiller.  
“C’mon Phil, just hang on….” May was keeping him still waiting for the drug to works. After some minutes he just drifted to sleep. The 3 women left the room.

“So Simmons, how is the situation?” asked May.  
“The wound is not dangerous by itself, it will be mostly the physical pain because of the cut nerves that will make him suffer. I can help but he will have lots of pain in the next weeks. And the psychological damage…..”  
“I know” said May “that is because I call Andrew. Coulson will need our help. We need to be strong for him. We need to bring him back”  
The 3 women just looked at each other, determination in their eyes. They were going to help him no matter what. In the end, he just sacrificed himself to save the world.


	4. Chapter 4

Coulson was kept in the infirmary for the following 5 days. His improvement was slow but steady. Andrew arrived at the Playground 3 days after the accident and he immediately started talking with Coulson to help him to dealing with his loss. In the fifth day Simmons authorized Coulson to being moved in his private room.

His days were necessarily organized in a strict way: wake up at 7 am by one of the Koening who helped him to dress; a nutritious breakfast prepared surprisingly well by Skye after her workout with May; a therapy session with Andrew and then a physical session with Simmons for the rehabilitation; after that he could work in his office with May. Of course no field operations but he was still organize operations for his team; finally, in the late afternoon, he was spending time training with May to learn again how to fight and shoot with just one hand, a matter of balance.

Everything was running quiet apart that nothing was fine for him. Fitz was working with Stark Industries through Maria Hill to find a solution to replace his hand but he had not yet found the right solution. His life had been burned to the ground. He who for all his adult life had learned to be totally independent and efficient in his work, now he had the feeling of being a burden to his team. He can’t even get dressed without Koening help. And the pain was still there. His arm was still sore and was always aching, always he had the feeling of a ghost limb, and this drove him crazy. But he was trying to hide these feelings because everyone around him fought hard to help him and he could not surrender. But the problem was that the people closest to him could recognize his discomfort, no matter what.

And then there were the bad days. The days when he could not get out of bed, when he was bent on his arm in pain, burning with fever without any medicine to take effect. One day Koening found him nearly unconscious for a high fever. Simmons was warned immediately and she was looking for a medical solution. Skye was at his side with a wet cloth trying to relieve his suffering. He was speaking incomprehensibly. After a couple of hours he was better, the fever lower. He was shattered, powerless, lost. 

“I can’t do this anymore…” said Coulson.  
“Yes, you can and you are doing great!” said Skye.

He could not look at her knowing that he was betraying her expectations. But he was tired.

“Coulson, I need you to fight, I can’t do this without you… I don’t care about Shield, I don’t care just being part of this team. I love everyone on our team but it’s because of you that I decided to stay. You are the only person in my life how cares about me, who always fight for what is best for me. I need this, I need you. Please….”

Coulson could not deny her that. Then he continued to fight.


	5. Chapter 5

Coulson was going ahead with his new life. After 4 weeks the pain was not gone but was at least attenuated. The wound was still sensitive but with the help of Andrew Coulson tried to resist. The crisis were becoming less frequent.

And Fitz had some news. Finally he found a prosthesis that could fit his case. The new hand would look normal, not robots. He would have regained the full feeling of the limb. With some physical therapy, in a few weeks after the surgery he could regained his old life. The operation would be difficult and long but it was worth trying.

For the first time in weeks he felt optimistic and the depression that had accompanied him seem less heavy. He had made an appointment with doctors for a first visit and to see if his body would be ready to this delicate operation.

He was in his room finishing to prepare for the visit when there was a knock on her door.

“Come in, it’s open!” Skye walked in the room.  
“Hey, are you nervous? Because I am….” said Skye smiling.  
“A little bit but I am happy, that could be a very important thing for me”  
Skye walked in front of him arranging his tie “Well, I will miss arranging your tie when you will be back after the surgery….”  
“Well, we don’t know yet if I can do the surgery and…..you could always arrange my tie….”  
They were smiling, almost happy after a long time.  
“Do you want some company? I could drive you…..” said Skye.  
“Sure, if you don’t have most important thing to do”  
“No, it’s fine, I will ask my boss for some free hours” and they headed to the garage to take Lola.

*****************  
Skye was walking nervously in the waiting room. Coulson was in the medical room for over two hours. She knew it would be long but she was beginning to be impatient. After some more time the door opened. Coulson was walking out and he was very pale. A doctor was on his side.

“Hey, are you alright?” asked Skye.  
“Yes, yes, don’t worry….the visit was a little painful…” said Coulson attempting to smile. He failed.  
“He should rest in bed for the rest of the day. I will send the report to doctor Simmons as soon as possible” said the doctor.  
“Ok, thanks” said Skye taking Coulson arm.

When they arrived to Lola Coulson slipped in his seat and closed his eyes. Skye was looking at him.

“Hey, don’t worry, we will be back at the base very soon” Coulson nodded but he said nothing.

Back at the base Coulson went directly to his room. Skye went to the lab where Simmons, Fitz and May were waiting for some news.

“So, what’s up?” asked Fitz.  
“We must wait for the results of the visit but Coulson went to rest because the whole thing was painful…” said Skye.  
“It was expected but we hope at least we get good news” said Simmons “Do you think that I should visit Coulson now?”  
“No, I think he just want to be alone…..I have a strange feeling…..” said Skye.  
“Why, what’s happened?” asked May.  
“I don’t know…..it’s just a feeling…..don’t worry, maybe I am just tired…”

*****************  
The results were ready the morning after and Coulson decide to take them in person so he call a cab. Skye did not insist on accompanying him perceiving that Coulson wanted to be alone for a while. But she decided to text him anyway.

[to Coulson] hey boss, what are you doing?  
[to Skye] just waiting…  
[to Coulson] ok, let me know if you have news!  
[to Skye] ok don’t worry I will be back soon…thanks!

Skye was relieved that he was texting her back. A good sign.

Coulson was finally in the doctor’s room and was taking his report. He knew that the results were not good and this was the reason why he wanted to be alone. The surgery was possible but because of his alien’s blood the results would be unpredictable.   
The doctor feared above all that his body would have rejected the limb putting his life at risk. In fact he still was not strong enough to face the consequences of a wrong operation and he could have lived a quiet life with only one hand without risking all. That were doctor’s suggestions. 

He walked out of the street just wanting to have some time to think. He text Skye that he will be at the base in an hour, not wanting to worry her. This was a decision that he would have to do all by himself also because he already knew what his friends would have said. 

Coulson was just trying to clear his mind when he was by force pulled into an alley. In front of him a face that he would not have wanted to see again: Grant Ward. Whit a gun. On his head.


	6. Chapter 6

“So Director, nice to see you again” Ward voice was sending chills on his back “I think we still have something pending between us, don’t you think?”  
“What do you want Ward?”  
Ward noticed for the first time that Coulson arm’s was in a sling “What happened to your arm?”  
“Anything that you can concern bastard!”  
Ward just hit Coulson hard on his wounded arm knocking him to the ground in pain.  
“Listen carefully Coulson. I am the one who is in charge now. I want revenge and I will have it”  
“So just kill me fucking Nazi, pull the trigger and end it now!”  
“No, that will be to easy. You deserve better. I will kill you but not before killing your whole team in front of you….your precious little family”  
Coulson was raging and try to stand up but two men held him while Ward was going to hit him again “Good night Director”. And all went black.

*******************  
It was night and Skye was freaking out. Coulson was supposed to be at the base hours ago. Fitz was trying to track his phone without success. They didn’t know what to think. Fitz decides to track the cameras near the hospital and finally he was able to track Coulson walking on the street. One moment he was walking alone and the next moment he was in the ally with Grant Ward. Skye was terrified watching Coulson being hit on his arm. They have to do something and they have to do it now.

*******************  
Coulson returned to awareness very slowly and very painfully. He was alone in a large room, something like a warehouse, wet and dark. He was tied in a chair with his left arm tied up at his shoulder. His sling gone and there was blood at his surgery wound. Surely Ward had re-opened some tender part of his wound hitting him.

A door was opened and Ward with two men went in front of him.

“Happy to see you awake. Want to tell me what happened to your hand?”  
“Fuck off Ward….”  
Ward hit Coulson right in the face. Coulson just smiled to him and he hit him again.  
“Trying to do the hero? You are not going to win this one” said Ward and with another blow he broke his nose.  
“C’mon Coulson, try to look alive, we are going to call your sweet little family, you don’t want to scare them, don’t you?”  
Coulson was trying to clear his mind through the pain. He understood what Ward was doing; try to draw his team in a trap to save him.

Ward was holding his mobile with the camera on calling the team. He has to stop him.

Skye phone rang and she answered.  
“Hello Skye, how you are doing?”  
Skye was furious but managed to put the video call on the large screen in Coulson’s office where the whole team was.  
“Where is Coulson?” asked Skye.  
“Don’t worry, he is with me, we are just chatting a little, you know, we are old friends….”  
“You are a sick bastard and I am going to found you and kill you!”  
“Slow down baby, no need to be so rude…I just want to chat a little with you. I have only good intentions. In fact, I am sending my address now. What about you and the rest of the team came here, like the old days? I think Phil will be happy”  
Ward was showing now Coulson tied in the chair, blood soaking is shirt, nose broken, wound re-opened.  
“I am going to kill you” said Skye.  
“Well, we will see baby. I am waiting for you. Phil, would you like to say something?”  
Coulson was fighting to stay awake “It’s a trap….” Ward blows him right in his wounded arm making him scream from the pain.  
“You better come quickly or you precious Phil will die very soon” said Ward.


	7. Chapter 7

Ward was preparing his trap. Two heavily armed men at each exit. A whole Hydra team on the roof ready to shoot down any Shield’s jet. Eight men in the room with him and Coulson. 

Coulson was fighting between wakefulness and sleep, weakened from blood loss and pain that now radiated throughout the body, not just from his arm. He could not breathe properly because of his broken nose and he could bet that he had at least two broken ribs that made every breath a torture.

Ward was very sure about his plan and in his arrogance he was sure that his ex-team was in his hands and that he would soon finally have had his revenge. What he has not considered was the determination of Skye and the entire team to save Coulson. So they came from below. 

Skye had discovered the maps of the place and of the tunnels that ran underneath the entire structure. Passing from underground they avoided Hydra teams stationed at exits and on the roof.   
They went up to the main level where Coulson was held captive.  
Taking advantage of the surprise factor Skye and May were able to eliminate four of the men of Ward. From a corner of the huge room they could see Coulson who did not seem to be very good. He was tied at the chair, blood everywhere on his clothes and especially on his left arm. His head was resting on his chest as if he was unconscious or just too tired to resist. Skye felt anger growing inside at the thought of the torture that Ward had inflicted to him in the past few hours.

Skye decided to take charge of the situation distracting Ward to allow May to deal with the rest of guards in the room. Fitz and Simmons were ready to provide medical assistance to Coulson.  
Skye headed to Ward who pointed a gun to her.

“Hey baby, long time no see” said Ward.  
“Not so long…baby” said sarcastically Skye “and soon you will regret saw me”  
“I like it when you are so bossy….” he load the gun “but I have to kill you nevertheless and I will do it in front of your beloved Phil” he kicked the chair where Coulson was tied to wake him up. Coulson looked up and Skye noticed that his eyes were glassy but he recognized her and he tried to talk with a hoarse voice “Skye…” and he smiled.  
Ward just smiled too “So much faith in your girl, Phil” and was going to pull the trigger but Skye was faster and she sent a wave toward Ward found himself with his back to the ground. He was confused and before he could move Skye was on him putting her hand on his chest.  
“You are done little bastard, your sick game it’s over” and she send a wave directly on his heart. He was screaming for the pain but no one was going to help him because May had got rid of the rest of Hydra army. He screamed until he lost consciousness. Then Skye just kicked him in the face.

Skye was on Coulson’s side in a second freeing him and trying to establish the damage. He was still conscious.  
“You find me…” said Coulson.   
“Always” said Skye.  
In the meantime she lowered him on the floor waiting for Simmons to come with medical help.  
“Try to stay awake, Simmons is coming…” he was shacking and he was clearly dehydrated, he was still bleeding from his various wounds and he was breathing with difficulty.  
“I could not defend myself, I could not escape….” Skye knew that he was blaming his lost hand and the fact that he felt less than an agent now.   
“Don’t say that, just stay calm, everything is going to be alright…”  
She took him in her arms trying to stop his tremor.


	8. Chapter 8

It was the same story all over again. Coulson unconscious in his hospital bed, the rest of the team worrying sick about their boss and friend. His condition were not alarming but he would have need a long period of rest and this would be not good for his psychological situation. Skye was especially worried about what he had said when she had rescued him that he was not able to defend himself and putting at risk the whole team. Knowing Coulson this would be a problem.

He was resting thanks to the heavy medications that Simmons gave it to him. Skye was at his side, as usual, and May was coming and going between work commitments. Finally, after two days of sleeping, he was coming back.

“Hey sleeping beauty, how do you feel?” said Skye.  
“I don’t feel really a beauty……”  
“Oh but you are” Skye was trying to light the mood and keeping him busy from thinking too heavy about his situation.  
“So, how many damages this time?” asked Coulson.  
Skye would have liked to joke about it, but the situation was serious “One rib broken and one cracked, broken nose, various bruises and a head injury. Your wound to the arm was partially reopened and had a slight infection but Simmons took care of it” Coulson sighed “but don’t worry, you are going to be fine….”  
“Yes, fine, as usual….” he was bitter and Skye could not blame him. She was seriously thinking of going to kill Ward who was kept in the vault.

*************************

After a week he was on his feet again, slightly sore all around his body but at least out of his medical bed. He was back in his office but he had dropped his suits preferring jumpsuit and t-shirt. He had also stopped to shave so now he was showing a thick beard. Skye thought it was a sexy look of him but she was also concerned because was very Coulson-unlike.  
The whole story with Ward had put in the background his decision about his surgery but now he was studying the medical chart but he has already made a decision.

“Hey boss, you look good today” said Skye walking in his office.  
“Thanks Skye but I think that my nose is not very good looking….”  
“Oh, you know, it can give you the whole sexy boxer look”  
She was smiling and he was already feeling better.  
“Simmons told me that you are thinking again about your surgery……”  
“and……”  
“and don’t you think it’s a little too early? I mean, you should rest some more before undergoing on such a long surgery…..”  
“Why don’t you tell me what is the real problem, Skye?”  
“The problem is that you are an idiot!” said Skye.  
He was surprise by her answer but he know why she said that.  
“I have read your chart. I know it’s personal stuff but I don’t care. I am not a doctor but I have asked Simmons to explain some things to me. You could die. Again. There are high chances of complications during and after the surgery. The doctor said that the alien blood is a very risky factor. How can you think about risking your life like that?” he was silent “You are acting like a desperate man while you can having a perfect life like you are. I can’t even think about losing you, about doing all of this without you. I know I am selfish but you can’t do it. I think…..”  
“I am desperate!” shouted Coulson “I am” now it was Skye who was silent. He looked so sad that Skye almost started crying.  
“I know how much risky is the surgery but really Skye I have no choice. Do you know how much humiliating is having to call Koening just to tied my shoes? Or to ask for help for every single stupid thing every day? All the things I loved to do have become difficult or impossible. Cooking, running, swimming, sparring….. I can’t even read on my bed without that the book continues to fall every time I turn the page. I know that in time I am going to learn how to use my new balance but….I don’t want to. I want my old life back and I have a chance to have it. I am trying to be a better man but I am not strong enough. I can’t still be Director and being like this. One day or another I am going to kill someone of the team…..”  
“I knew that this was because of Ward…..”  
“I felt so helpless not being able to defend myself, knowing that I was putting everyone in danger….”  
“It wasn’t your fault….”  
“I know but I will be always a problem so either I leave Shield for good or I try to have my arm back”  
“Ok, let’s do this” said Skye.


	9. Chapter 9

The weeks that followed were frenetic. To face the surgery Coulson needed to back on his feet after the meeting with Ward. Skye was beside him all the time helping him in his physical exercises. Simmons spent all her time studying and re-studying Coulson’s medical procedures to minimize the risks. May was running Shield giving Coulson the chance to focus on his surgery.

And then the day scheduled for the surgery arrives. 

Coulson was nervous but tried to show as little as possible so as not to worry Skye, failing miserably because Skye had spent the last weeks always beside him and now she recognized his every mood.

“So, are you ready?” asked Skye.  
“As ready as I can be…”  
“You know, you can always change your mind….”  
“We already talked about that…”  
“Yes, yes, you can blame a girl for trying….”

Coulson smiled. Spending all his time with Skye was amazing. He realized that his feeling for Skye were complicated but he promised to himself to talk to her if the surgery had gone well. He had always been a guy willing to wait, especially in regard to his personal life, he had never thrown himself in a relationship without thinking and evaluating all the factors. He knew that the position with Skye was delicate for the dynamics of the Shield, for the age difference and because he did not know what really Skye felt for him. He was certain that Skye loved him, to be determined was how.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he dind’t notice that Skye was just in front of him looking directly in his eyes.

“I can’t lose you…” said Skye.  
“I am not going anywhere”  
“You can’t promise me that!”

That was true but he was scared and sure about his surgery at the same time.

“Skye, I…..” she did not let him finish and just kissed him. It was a slow and sweet kiss but full of meaning “Skye this is just because you are scared….”  
“Yes, I am, but I also want you. And not just because you could die this night. I want you because I know you are the person who should be next to me, not only on the field but always. I know I can trust you and I don’t usually am so direct but…..I think we should…” now it was him who was kissing her and they end up in bed spending together this last few hours before the surgery.

****************  
At 3 pm Simmons was ready to start. Coulson was in his bed ready to be anesthetized. The whole team was at his side so he just squeezed Skye’s hand looking her in his eyes not speaking but saying lots of things. And then he was sleeping…..

****************  
The feeling was not unpleasant but also not too good. He felt lost in a world he knew to know but that could not understand. His conscience was clouded and in his heart he knew that something big was about to happen. He felt lost but he was not scared because there was Skye always in the back of his mind.

****************

Outside the surgery room Skye was waiting with May and Fitz. Simmons had promised to come out to update them as soon as possible. The surgery would be very long and two different medical teams would alternate to the operating table. Skye was still in a chair but inside she was just screaming for concern. Her life had just changed not just because she had sex with Coulson who was her friend, confident, family and her whole life for two years. She had just realized that was his presence that gave meaning to everything. She knew that everything would be difficult even if his surgery had gone well.  
Rehabilitation, physical and psychological recovery, start a love story inside the Shield, with all its rules and traditions.That would have changed relations also within the team but she was willing to take the risk and fight because even now thinking of going back was to her impossible. So she just waited.

“Everything it’s gonna be alright” said May.  
“How can you be so sure?” said Skye.  
“Because I have know him for most of my life. I know how much is strong and determined. I how how much he want to live after being dead once. I know that he will do always the right thing. And I know how much he loves you….”

Skye was silent. Their relationship was so new, almost non-existent. She had not yet talked with Coulson about the after. They just had sex for the first time and then he was gone. Now the more she thought to this sweet first time, the most she feared that it would be their only time together. 

“How did you know….” asked Skye.  
“Are you kidding? You two are an open book! He looks at you like you are the most precious thing in the universe…and you look at him like is the sun. Really Skye, for being two spies you are not very good at keeping secrets…” May was smiling and Skye felt better, more optimistic.

After almost five hours Simmons went out.

“He is doing fine. His vital are good” said Simmons.

But the best moment was when Simmons went out for the last time and she said “”It’s over. He’s fine!”

Skye started crying.


	10. Chapter 10

[two months later]

He was surfing after so many years. It was one of his favorite activities when he was in his twenty and his fledgling career in Shield still allowed him a few free hours just for himself. Then life and responsabilities prevailed and he began to forget the simple pleasures of life.

The operation had gone well. He had his hand again and he spent the next month doing rehabilitation. He had regained strength and precision in his limb. The road was still long but he had every intention to follow it. Skye had always been at his bedside, helping him in the days following the operation when still he was wandering between wakefulness and sleep, even when the pain did not allow him to understand how it all went well. Then she had helped him leave his hospital bed. He was doing fine but he suddendly decided to leave the base and going on a safe place, alone.  
He had not been alone with Skye since before the surgery. Doctors, nurses and psychologists, in addition to the team, they were always with him. And then he decided to leave. Just like that.  
He had not spoken to Skye about this decision. Just one day he had told Simmons that he needed to be alone and that he would continue his rehabilitation alone. He greeted the entire team, including Skye, and had left.  
He knew it was not fair to Skye who had helped him during all this time but now his need was to get back the man who was before, to make peace with himself and clear his feelings, otherwise he would not have been the man who Skye wanted and deserved.  
So he spent four weeks resting, training and surfing. He had never called the base, only a few messages sent to Simmons to update her about his situation. 

Today the weather was particularly mild and he was surfing already for two hours when he saw her. She was far away, alone on the beach, but he would recognize her anywhere. He began to swim toward the shore. Once he arrived to the shore with his surfboard under his arm, he walked up to her.

“Hey stranger!” he said.  
“Hey handsome!” Skye said.

They looked at each other for a long time, in silence.  
He had kept his beard now with many more gray hairs than before. She had cut her hair.

“Why I am stuck at the base running Shield with May and you are here doing surf?” she was smiling.  
“I'm in rehab….”  
“I would not call it rehabilitation…..”  
“I wanted to call you, I would have called soon…”  
“I know!”

They headed for the safe house just on the beach. 

“Are you hungry? I can cook for you….” said Coulson.  
“Yes, that would be nice”  
“Just give me a minute to shower. There are beers in the fridge”

Skye wandered around the house looking at the small details: a book lying on the table, records close to the stereo, fresh flowers by the window. After a few minutes he came in T-shirts and shorts with bare feet, an image very far from the Director of Shield.

“So, how everything is going at the base?”  
“Same old, same old…”  
“Yes, same old…”

He started to cooking and she smiled when she saw what he was cooking: grilled cheese. Secret recipe.

They eat mostly in silence, just saying one word every now and then. But it was a kind of confortable silence, like and old married couple.  
When they have finished they clear the table and Coulson headed to the front porch sitting on a step and looking to the sea.

“Are you alright?” asked Skye.  
“Yes, now I am” he took her hand and she sit next to him. He kissed her “I’ve missed you”  
“Me too” they kept kissing and finally they headed to the bedroom.

************  
They were in bed in the sweet after sex sensation but Skye could feel that Coulson was miles away.  
He went out from the bed “I'll get a glass of water…”  
When he did not came back after few minutes Skye went looking for him. He was in the kitchen looking out of window.

“You are already regretting……” said Skye.  
“No, I will never regret anything about you….”  
“So, what’s wrong?”  
“It’s just I have to tell you something and I am scared….”  
She just kissed him “Tell me”  
“I want to be your husband! I want you to be my wife!”  
She was stunned. But she said yes.  
The look on his face was priceless. After a long time he was really smiling. They kept kissing for a while.  
“So handsome, are you going to come back at the base?”  
“Now I am!”


End file.
